I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
