so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
