Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
