Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
