I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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