I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
