Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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