If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Randomize
