Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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