Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Everyone says I win the strip club
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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