when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
