So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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