Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize