Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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