he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
