Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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