And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
