Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
whose parrot is this?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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