Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
