If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
