You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
