I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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