Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
