There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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