did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
