When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
