I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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