dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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