She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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