if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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