Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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