Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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