Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
