I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
