so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
