just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
