I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
