i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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