Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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