Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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