Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
