What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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