My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
