My nipple is on Facebook.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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