i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
