I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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