dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
