Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
