Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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