People in love make me want to vomit
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
