I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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