She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
