if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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