He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I would fuck him just for his dog
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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